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disco

Sometimes the restaurant biz

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Monday night I am working. I get done with my shift around 11:30, my birthday was Tuesday, so I hang around at the bar to get some drinks to celebrate said birthday despite having many other important, responsible things to do. One of the workers, a friend of mine named Matt, is already there and has begun drinking, as is his habit and the habit of most of the workers. I sit down next to him.

 

Few minutes later, bosslady comes up to Matt and says "Matt, there's a call for you on line one." Matt has been off for 2 hours, so he is surprised.

 

matt - "Who is it?"

boss- "Some girl, I don't know"

Then Matt's eyes get big, he gets very agitated, and says "OH FUCK ITS HER. TELL HER I'M NOT HERE."

boss- "Who is it?!"

Matt- "TELL HER I'M NOT HERE. ITS THAT CRAZY BITCH!"

boss (after hanging up phone) - "She says you should come up to the Fish."

 

By then there's 3-4 of us sitting at the bar, so of course we have to find out the story, and it unravels over the span of a few minutes. Basically on Halloween, Matt got blackout drunk and met this woman at a bar up the street named Flying Fish. He got very, very, very drunk and apparently this woman took him home that night and they banged. The woman is 47 years old and married. And batshit insane.

 

Anyway we share many laughs about this. Matt reveals that, because she didn't get his phone number, she has called work about 10 times to try and find out if he's working or what his schedule is, despite being told that information can't be given out over the phone. In despair, she wrote her once-beloved a 4-page, single-spaced, hand-written letter addressed to the restaurant, care of Matt, in which she explained her undying love, limitless admiration, and how her marriage was suddenly useless and she wanted to leave her husband for dearest Matt.

 

This led to many, many laughs. We were taunting Matt. Every time the door opened, we'd look really surprised and stare at it to freak him out. This was even more hilarious.

 

But then, she actually came in.

 

She sauntered up to Matt and asked to speak with him outside. I had gone outside to stare at the snow (I am easily amused) and came back in and encountered them on the way out. This was confusing. They went outside to talk, and were gone for 3-4 minutes when I and a girl I know who was at the bar decided to go save him. He was pretty drunk so we were acting in his best interests. It had just gotten past midnight so the bartender was making us some shots for my birthday. We walk up to Matt.

 

me - "Come in Matt, we're about to do shots."

woman - "Excuse me, we're speaking here."

me - "Yeah, I know, that's the problem. We're about to do shots and we need Matt."

woman - "Hey. I am married to a guy with a PHD. I'm trying to have an intellectual conversation."

me - "Sure you are, sure you are. I've got 3 PHD's, and Shiela here is an astrophysist." (yes, I did say that, I was drunk)

Shiela - "Oh my gosh matt, is this your aunt?! That is so cool! It's awesome to meet you! What's your name?!"

woman - "Celia." *glares*

 

I grab matt, pull him in, and the night continues. Surely she's gotten the message, right?

 

Nope. She comes back in 30 minutes later, after Matt's done probably 4 shots and is now officially completely drunk. She walks up and grabs his elbow to pull him outside. He sees a receipt on the counter, yells at her "HANG ON I AM READING THIS" and stares at it for a good 30 seconds. Bosslady, annoyed that a crazy bitch is stalking one of her workers, walks up to throw the lady out and I help. Lady walks out, "walks" out, she's clearly drunk. She goes onto the sidewalk, bumps into a lightpost, then turns around some 30 feet away and yells:

 

"TELL HIM HE SAVED MY MARRIAGE. TELL HIM HE SAVED MY MARRIAGE."

me - "Sure. No problem."

 

A car pulls up. She hops into the driver's seat and spins off into the night.

 

We go back inside, I tell matt her message. I express that he should see the bright side of things by saying:

 

"You know matt, some people when they're drunk are assholes, they break cups or start fights or throw up. You, on the other hand, change people's lives forever and save marriages. Congratulations are due to you, sir. And clearly the sex was good."

 

Matt disagrees. The bartender then chimes in with his theory, which is that Matt was too drunk to finish and left the woman feeling inadequate and unsatisfied, and that therefore the only way to rectify the situation is for Matt to go bang her again, and finish. Matt does not agree with this line of logic.

 

From then on out we refer to the woman as "Matt's aunt," and I'm sure we're going to continue doing that for a very, very long time. I already have a few christmas jokes lined up.

 

"Well the good thing Matt is that if you have to work on christmas you have family nearby you can spend it with."

"Who?"

"Your aunt, of course!"

Then, somewhere between 3am and 9am, two windows were broken with bricks.

 

No tl;dr for mop this time!

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I thought it was a pretty interesting story....

 

I actually saw the original. I'm not mocking you. Matt's aunt was seriously crazy.

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Indeed, caving in to MoP's trolling is pretty weak imo~

 

PS: Story was indeed pretty interesting, I wanted to read it again this morning but to no avail. Screw you MoP!

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The story was something that seemed almost straight out of Reader's Digest. It was perhaps one of the best pieces of literary text in the history of the internet. I'm really sorry to see that it had been deleted. Another masterpiece lost to the ages.

 

Thanks MoP.

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That's fucking hilarious.

 

I once banged a 36 year old woman when I was 23. I wake up in her bed and get ready to leave. As I walk into the kitchen, her kid is sitting at the table eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Awkward.

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Was she hot? If so, I like the bartenders advice. Get it while the getting is good.

 

No. She was 47, strawberry blonde hair, skinny, and had very wrinkly skin. She looked like an in-shape 60 year old with dyed hair.

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